So it’s that time again–you found someone you know is different, someone you think could never hurt you, someone you think will actually stick around, and you’re ready.
Annnnnd well, you were wrong. Again. I know, I know, you really thought. And sometimes it’s not their intention to hurt you. Maybe it was just bad timing and they had to let you down easy. Maybe things just didn’t work out. Maybe the spark fizzled out. Maybe geography became an issue. Maybe him and his other girlfriend decided three’s a crowd (Yikes). Maybe the person was just always a jackass and you genuinely didn’t see any red flags, or you chose to ignore the red flags. Whatever the case may be, it doesn’t matter how or why it happened, because the truth is, no matter the way, shape, or form your heart was broken, it hurts. It really really hurts.
With that being said, these are my suggestions for you:
- Believe him or her.
When they tell you they’re not good enough for you; when they tell you they can’t give you what you deserve; when they tell you they can’t commit; when they tell you it’s the wrong time in their life–believe them.
And you wanna know why you should believe them? Because the right person for you will have no limits or boundaries with you. The right person will be JUST as sure about you as you are about them. The right person will make time for you. The right person won’t give a second thought to committing to you. And it will always be the right time for the right person. Don’t believe me? Okay, think about it like this: When you were happily infatuated with this person that you seemed to believe could actually be the one–did you not make time for them out of your busy schedule? Did you ever even tell them that you too are in fact quite busy, or did you not even mention it because it didn’t matter and you were determined to create the time? I’ll bet it’s the latter. Did you go above and beyond for this person to make them happy to the very best of your ability? Did you ever, for one second, think about trying to get the attention of somebody else? Of course not. Because you were confident in your relationship and future with this person. So I am sorry to break it to you–they weren’t the one. The right person will reciprocate everything you are putting in.
Dude, I’m talking full-on sobbing. Cry until you tear ducts can literally no longer produce tears. You know the worst cries? When you’re laying in bed at night and you’re feeling okay, but then all of a sudden you remember something, and this lump just thrusts itself and makes home in your throat? Don’t swallow it. Let it out. Take those ghastly gasps for air and let your tears run down your face, into your mouth, down your chest, and let yourself be a hot mess. Who cares? It’s not like anyone is laying down next to you anyway. Yikes. Too soon? If that made you cry, that’s okay too. Clearly, you haven’t worked out all of your emotions. Cry in your car. Cry on your bathroom floor. Cry in your shower. Cry at the freaking park with your sunglasses on (or off, who cares what other people think? They know damn well they’ve been in your shoes). But here’s the real kicker–advice from a wonderful friend of mine: You can cry for as long as you want. A day, 2 days, a week, a month, however long it takes–but the minute you stop crying about that person, you better not cry about them again. It’s done. You’ve put your crying energy to good use. Don’t let them make you cry again. NOBODY is worth that.
3. Don’t overthink it
There are going to be a million thoughts running through your head. “Did I really do something wrong? Is there someone else? Was I just a fling? Should I say something? What if they move on? I feel like I need to say something. I feel like I need to say something else. What if they think I’m crazy? I should find blogs on the internet that tell me what I should and shouldn’t do.”
And this is where I come in. I’m gonna go against the grain a little bit regarding what most people are going to tell you. If you have something to say to the person that broke your heart, say it. If you have something to ask, ask them. Will they always respond? No. Will their response hurt you? Probably. Will you be able to lay in bed at night without regretting not getting everything off your chest? Absolutely.
I think we’ve grown so accustomed to caring about what others think about us that we drive ourselves insane trying to fit this “fresh break up” mold, ensuring that we don’t seem “crazy” and that we have all our shit together. What’s crazy about needing to know if you did something wrong? Is it really crazy to ask if they’ll be seeing other people? We’re all thinking it anyway. Is it really crazy to express how badly this person hurt you? I personally don’t think so. Putting myself in the shoes of someone who plays the role of heartbreaker–I would and could never think any less of you if you expressed to me how you feel. If you have questions. If you need reassurance. I freaking broke your heart, dude. I get it.
HOWEVER, I give this questioning period up to a week. You get one week to get out all of your frustration, ask all of your questions, and make your feelings be known. After that, you already found out everything you needed to know. Now you’re just not wanting to let go, which I understand. I have compassion for you. But it’s time to let it go. Respect yourself enough to move forward.
4. Let yourself smile and laugh
You are going to have friends and family surrounding you, and they are going to do their absolute best to make you smile and laugh. Why? Because they miss your smile. They want to see you happy again. Why? Because these are the people that care and matter most in your life. These are good people. People that you DO need and DO deserve. When they say something that curls the ends of your lips just a tad–don’t fight it. Smile. Sometimes we feel some sort of guilt for smiling when we’re heartbroken. Like…hmmm…if we smile, that means we’re gonna be okay. And if we’re gonna be okay, that means we really didn’t need that person in the first place. And if we really didn’t need that person, that means it’s really over. Mhmmm, don’t worry, I see you. I just speak the truth that everyone is too afraid to admit. But seriously, let the smile collapse on your face. Let your laughter echo. Let yourself be okay. This is how healing begins, and I promise you the people that genuinely care about you only want to see you happy. And if that person that broke your heart was a good person, they’d only want to see you happy too.
5. Engulf yourself in yourself
Love yourself. Throw yourself into your passions and hobbies. Dance around in your underwear. Sing at the top of your lungs in your room or your car or your backyard (and when your neighbors scream at you to shut up, just tell them you’re gracing them with your presence). Feel yourself. Get dressed up, take selfies, post that shit. Reflect on yourself. Reflect on all of the wonderful qualities that make you who you are. Some of us were born to love with every ounce of our heart. Some of us were born to care for others in a way that might not ever be fully reciprocated. And that’s okay. You are what the world needs. Take the same amount of attention and care that you invested in that person who was not meant for you, and invest that shit into yourself. You are wonderfully and beautifully made, and it’s time you start falling in love with yourself.
In the words of Kehlani, “Can’t nobody love somebody that do not love themselves. You are what you choose to be, it’s not up to no one else. So be great, be kind, don’t let them dim your light. A woman (or man) like a sun should always stay bright.”
Shine on, my dudes.