Okay, before I start this, please know that this was extremely hard to write. And it’s not because of what you’re thinking. No, I’m no longer heartbroken or sad. It seems to be assumed a whole lot that when you talk about a past relationship at all, you’re still hung up on the person, but that is a myth. A lie. And you’ll find out why in just a little bit. Also, I had to think of my audience–the people this post might affect or hurt. There was a lot to take into consideration, but I have to remind myself that this is a place to write down my thoughts, despite what anyone says. This is my truth. And it’s more-so about the strength I’ve gained in the last 7 months, and the reason God has been the real homie ever since. If you do not wish to read because you feel awkward, PLEASE do not continue. But if you would like to gain insight and maybe find your own strength within a toxic relationship you are in now, please keep reading.
On a Thursday night, the person who was my fiancé (I feel weird referring to him as anything else) texted me informing me that he was going out with friends who just got back from deployment. Of course I was ecstatic for him and never thought twice about it. I ended up falling asleep, and the next morning, I woke up to nothing. No text, no call, nada–which was extremely out of character. There was a small part of me that began to worry. I checked his Twitter to see if he had posted anything about the night before–and his Twitter was gone. I checked his Instagram–gone. Facebook–gone. At this point. I knew something was wrong, but I thought it had something to do with the guys he went out with, like maybe they weren’t as safe to be around. I tried calling him multiple times, texting him telling him that I was worried, because I knew something wasn’t right. My instinct kicked in and I just KNEW.
I ended up getting a **text** from him later on in the morning telling me that he was on his way to work. That was it. No explanation. And if you think I just sound like a crazy person at this point, well then just keep on reading, dude. I tried calling again to try and reach him before he got into work, and he wouldn’t respond. To make a long story short–he ended up refusing to talk to me all weekend, until Sunday night when he texted me asking me how much he owes for the wedding, stating, “You’ll get your money.”
That was it. That was how he chose to end a 4 year relationship and 2 year engagement.
But the sad part is that it wasn’t the first time. It was maybe the 10th? 15th? I think I lost track. He constantly tried breaking up with me within the 4 years we were together. But I fought for him because that’s what I thought you were supposed to do. And because he’d break down every time, and make me promise that no matter how many times he tried doing it, I’d never leave him. Because he needed me. I was needed. I was his cure. I was his answer to every problem, and sadly, I began to feel special.
I never told my parents when he did it… because if I did, then it would be real. And I always knew that I could change his mind. But this time… this Sunday. I told my mom and dad. I sat on my bathroom floor sobbing with my mom. Screaming on her lap. Holding my chest while she cried into my matted hair. I was exhausted. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t ‘fix’ him anymore. I remember sitting on the bathroom floor with her, telling her over and over again, “But he was good to me, he was so good to me.” As if I was trying to convince her. Trying to convince myself.
But he wasn’t.
He hurt me in so many ways. Made me feel stupid. Constantly saying, “Use your brain, Alexandra.” Talking down to me, as if I was 4 years old. I wasn’t allowed to be mad at him, otherwise, he’d find a way to flip the victim and throw a pity party for himself. He’d make me feel guilty for spending time with my family when he wasn’t around, so I began to revolve my every movement around him. But then he made me feel like a terrible daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter, cousin, friend, etc. because I isolated myself (with him and only him) away from them. He’d get mad at me for making plans without his consent. He would say horrendous things about my family, even though they treated him like their own family. And he’d always tell me, “I can’t wait to get you away from them.” Away. Far far away. He was wishy-washy. One day he’d be in such a good mood and say so many nice things about me and the people I loved, but then as soon as he was in a bad mood, it all came crashing down. Full force. To understand this rollercoaster, just listen to Taylor Swift’s “Dear John”. It describes it perfectly. “You’d paint me a blue sky, then go back and turn it to rain. And I lived in your chess game, but you changed the rules every day. Wondering which version of you I might get on the phone tonight.”
He’d make me feel worthless when I wasn’t in the mood to satisfy him. ‘I never did anything for him’. He’d delete every picture with me in it off of his social media any time he was mad at me, even though I literally did nothing. He liked to do it most when I was hanging out with my family or friends without him. But that’s how I was supposed to catch the hint that he wasn’t happy with me and that he ‘no longer wished to be with me.’ He’d lie about small things. About big things. I remember I went on twitter randomly one night and saw that he tweeted that he was being deployed around the same time as our wedding. He tweeted it. Didn’t tell me, didn’t even discuss anything with me. And then I was made to feel crazy for being angry with him. And the thing was, it wasn’t even true. He made it up. He would lie about things that he didn’t even need to lie about. He’d tell me that I’d have no choice but to work out and eat healthy as soon as we were married. The list goes on.
Well, on the Tuesday after the Sunday night I spent naked on my bathroom floor (because I needed to feel the cool tile on my sweat-soaked body)…I was sitting in the Starbucks on my campus. I received a message from a girl on Facebook. And as soon as I saw it, I knew. I knew everything. She went on to ask me if I was engaged to him. She told me that he’s been talking to her best friend for over two weeks–while we were still ‘okay’ and Skyping each other every night *BECAUSE HE WAS JUST STATIONED IN EL PASO MAYBE THREE WEEKS BEFORE THIS WENT DOWN* She then went on to tell me that he’s been staying at their house every night for over a week. Okay so to catch you up…this is on a Tuesday. This whole thing began on the Thursday night before, so an entire week would be from the Tuesday before, cool? Cool. So anyway, I found out.
All the while, he was emailing me (because my dad was a dad and did what any dad would do and told him to never contact me again.) But he was asking for forgiveness. Throwing pity parties. The whole shabang. While he was still sleeping with her and making her feel like the only girl in the world. Blah blah blah. It wasn’t the first time he cheated, so it just didn’t surprise me at this point. He was so good at coming up with excuses. He was so good with keeping his cool when he was confronted every time…because he knew that if he acted defensive, he’d sound guilty. He was so good at having a story prepared.
BUT MY WHOLE POINT TO THIS:
The weekend that he was ignoring me, I prayed to God. I asked him for guidance because I wasn’t sure if I was on the right path. I wasn’t sure if he was who I was supposed to marry. I begged God for answers because I was at a loss.
The moment I asked God for help, He answered my prayer. He brought darkness into light. Not only that, but He gave me the strength to walk away.
No matter how many times the guy tried pulling me back in. I began ignoring him. The guy thought it was because I needed time and space. But he soon realized that I was being serious. And he began to get angry. He was furious. He started to lose control of his ‘cool’ because he began to realize that he was losing control over me. I was no longer at his beck and call. I was no longer his puppet on strings. I was no longer his.
Please. Walk away. Pray to God. Ask Him for help. There were SO many nights within the 4 years I was with that guy where I’d find myself sobbing on my bathroom floor because I was so hurt. I was just too scared to ask God for guidance. I knew how He’d help me, but I never wanted to believe He was right.
Please remember that you have no clue what’s happening behind closed doors. It took me being outside of that toxic relationship to realize how much I was hurt and destroyed. Over and over again.
It always bothers me when people say, “Find someone who takes your makeup off when you’re drunk.” “Find someone who buys you [insert nice gift] or pays for a nice night out on the town” “Find someone who will call you beautiful even when you look your worst” “Find someone to laugh with” , as if those things (that any gentleman would do without needing recognition) are the most important things in relationships. Guess what? He did those things for me. He called me beautiful every day. Told me he loved me. Calmed me down when I was having an anxiety attack. Told me he was proud of me. Did everything he could to look good.
Those things mean shit if they don’t respect you.
Hold out for someone who is honest. Hold out for someone who doesn’t even care about who you’re texting or Snapchatting or talking to because just the thought of you two even flirting with other people is baffling. Find someone who lets you be you. Find someone that lets you be you by yourself, and lets you flourish on your own, while supporting you. Find someone who never makes you feel guilty or worthless for being too tired to have sex. Find someone whom your soul adores and desires, but doesn’t make you feel like they should be everything to you. Find someone who would move mountains WITH you. Not for you. Usually they end up feeling like you owe them something in return. Hold out for someone who is your genuine best friend, but also has other great friends that he/she goes out with while you go out with yours. Hold out for someone that understands that you are an emotional person. Someone that gives you the space you need when you need it, but someone who also knows when you just need a hug and shoulder to cry on. Hold out for someone that isn’t trying to fix you. Or trying to fix every situation you’re in. Find someone who is patient. Who is kind. Who would also fight for you when life gets hard. Hold out for someone that you don’t have to worry about how he or she might talk to you in front of your future kids (or current kids). Someone who you know will be respectful of you and your entire family. And all of your friends. Someone who respects their parents and family. Someone who complements (not just compliments) you. Someone who lets you be an independent woman or man. Who lets you have your own political opinions, and admires your intellect.
Above all, hold out for someone who believes in God with his or her whole heart. Someone God-fearing. Someone who puts God before you. Someone who prays with you and for you.
If you see red flags, stop giving them excuses because of the “good” things they do for you.
“How cool is it that the same God who created mountains, and oceans, and galaxies, looked at you and thought the world needed one of you too?” He didn’t create you to be anyone’s punching bag (physically or verbally). He didn’t create you to allow someone else to make you feel worthless. He didn’t create you to dedicate your life to fixing or forgiving someone who sins over and over again. That’s His job. He created you so that you can fulfill your OWN purpose on this Earth. For Him. And for you.
So let go. Let yourself breathe. Let yourself cut the strings that control your every move. Let yourself pick up YOU. Regroup YOU. Restructure YOU. Make yourself happy. Stand by an ocean, close your eyes, breathe in, breathe out, and let yourself feel peace again.
I promise you, it will be the greatest and bravest decision you’ll ever make.
Tomorrow, I would have been putting on my wedding gown, stressing over the finishing touches, walking down the aisle to a stranger.
Instead, I will be sitting in the rocking chair on my front porch reading. Knowing that I just graduated with a Bachelor degree, magna cum laude. Accepted my first teaching job for the Fall. Considered a highly qualified North Carolina teaching graduate. Holding my head up high. And living my absolute dream life, surrounded by family and friends that love me unconditionally.
This. This is what God created me for.
14 thoughts on “Y’all, I was supposed to get married tomorrow.”
You are so strong Alexandra, I know how if feels to be in toxic realtionship I was in one gor almosy two years. He almost did the same thing, he consistently made me feel like I was worth nothing and he actually smacked me in the face yet I still thought he was the perfect man for me. Thankfully I had a greay friend who ponited this all out to me and he made me relize thaat he wasn’t roght for me and now I am engaged to someone who supports me and he loves me for who I am, and who supports me in whatever I want to do and who loves everything about me. I get to marry my best friend quite literally.
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Thank you so much for sharing your story, Karlene. I’m so proud of you for walking away and listening to your friend! Hold onto that friend forever! I’m so happy that you get to marry your best friend that treats you the way you deserve! I wish you both the very best!! 💛
Amazing! Wonderful! Inspiring!!
I know how tough it is to go through a relationship like this. It tore me and broke me down without even realizing it (even though family and friends were bluntly telling me). Finally, I woke up, I realized this isn’t where I’m suppose to be. I moved on, fell deep into a hole, but slowly pieced myself back together and became stronger then ever. Realized to not regret or hate that I lost part of my life focusing on him, or that I even loved him unconditionaly. That relationship. That BOY. Taught me who I’m meant to be. Taught me what I do not deserve. Taught me my self worth. And the biggest, taught me self love!
LOVE YOURSELF FIRST! Nothing about that statement is selfish!
…. I recently passed the day I was suppose to marry the person I so thought was the one. [Different person then story above.]
Never verbally abusive. Just never around…when he actually was. Realized I wasn’t happy and made a tough decision while being engaged to leave. To put myself first!! Let me tell you, it has and was the best decision I ever made!
Take each day as it is. Cry and scream on the days you can not hold it back; those days are just as important as your strong/happy days. Just remember, you are doing what is best for you, and you yourself comes first!!
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Thank you for sharing that with me! I think it’s so healthy for toxic relationships and emotional or verbal abuse to be discussed more often. It seems to be swept under the carpet so much as its just normalized in our society. Hearing your story gives me even more strength and reminds me that I’m on the right path.
I appreciate your support and you reaching out! Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I could not be happier that you have found happiness within yourself and someone who treats you well!! 💛
I knew that Abilene was a poorer place when the Elliott family left because we didn’t get to hear your beautiful voice or witness your marvelous acting ability for your last 3 years of high school. I knew I was a journalism teacher who missed out on a talented writer and on a student who put her heart into everything and established an immediate rapport with me. Remember our talks about “The Wizard of Oz”? It’s so wonderful to read your blog posts. You really get life. And you are a textbook illustration of my old expression, “Never marry a project!!” Your “projects” will be your children someday, and you will need a strong partner to help you help your children grow into the people they can be. Sometimes, a gifted young woman will think that she should use her gifts of patience and belief and just hard work to try to “fix” a guy. If you ever feel that way again, please look at your mom and dad and the fine family they raised. If you are going to follow in their footsteps, you’ll need a partner, not a project. If he’s not at least as good as your dad, throw him back. You go, Alex! How about doing some Youtube videos for the young girls out there? I could see you singing and dancing your way through a great song that becomes the new anthem for young women, “Right for Me!” Have Corey write it.
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Ms. Geiger, you have me in tears!! The good kind! Thank you for you kind, heartfelt words. They touched my whole family immensely. Your support and love means more to me than you’ll ever know, and I could not be more blessed to have had the opportunity to be your student! Your voice of reason resonates throughout my soul. I will remember to “never marry a project!” for the rest of my life, and live by those words! Also, I’ll have to see what Cory and I can come up with, I’ll let you know if we make that happen! 😉
Thank you from the bottom of my glowing heart!!!
Awwww! You made my day with your kind words! Those kids will be lucky to have you next year.
HELL YEAH GIRL you’re a boss and you deserve the best of everything in life. You are strong and smart and powerful and while this experience was incredibly rough for you, I’m also somewhat glad you got to have this experience so you could learn how much you’re worth. And you’re worth the world! Summa Cum Laude!!! That’s incredible! You are unstoppable when you put your mind to something. We’re all so proud of you and we love you so much!! I still wish you’d move out to California and live with me! Love you ❤️
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I love you, Ayden! Your support means the world to me, and I’m so very grateful!! I’ll be seeing you real soon!! 💛
Came across this article by happenstance (or maybe divine intervention? Crazy how often the two intersect lol). The parallels between your experience shared here and the life I’m living now are just uncanny! My ex recently broke it off with me too about a month after out 4-year anniversary and it completely and totally blind-sided me. I’ve been through some harsh break ups before and have learned a lot about myself because of them. So this time, I was able to accept the loss without really villifying her or feeling overwhelmingly insecure… and after reading this and confirming what I felt… I can see all the signs that were there. All the gaps that needed to be bridged. All the demands to censor or change certain parts of me. All of the possessive control that was presented as love and commonality. I thought compromises like these were common place amongst serious long-term relationships. And of course, expectations grow as both sides invest more and more into it. But I have to admit it… half the time, she made me miserable.
I wont claim I was the perfect partner either, not by any means. But what can I say? We do crazy things when we’re in love and we bend over backwards for the ones we truly care for. It’s a real shame… She was otherwise such an outstanding person and I admired her a lot… I still pray that she finds her way in life and fullfils the purposes that God has destined her for.
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Ohmygod you are so strong! The way you wrote this-despite how hard it was for you, was amazing. I’ve never been in a relationship but you made me really think about what I want and need in someone. The way he treated you was horrible-and you are hella strong for getting out of it and relaxing on a day that would have been your wedding day. You are such an inspiration. I came across this article on Facebook and now I plan on sharing it with everyone I know. This needs to be read, put in magazines, newspapers, newscasts. You really explained the hardships and the ending was such an amazing ending. Of course, we are only talking about one chapter of your life. I’m glad it’s over for you. So many people don’t realize that this is what happens to a lot of people behind public eyes. The way you brought it to the awareness and first-hand experience really showed the truth to this. I really hope you end up in life a million times stronger than how you were then. Always remember to treat yourself, you come first-well after God. Stay amazing!!
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Thank you so much for taking the time to write this and share it. This part really hit resonated with me:
Guess what? He did those things for me. He called me beautiful every day. Told me he loved me. Calmed me down when I was having an anxiety attack. Told me he was proud of me. Did everything he could to look good.
Those things mean shit if they don’t respect you.
Hold out for someone who is honest. Hold out for someone who doesn’t even care about who you’re texting or Snapchatting or talking to because just the thought of you two even flirting with other people is baffling. Find someone who lets you be you. Find someone that lets you be you by yourself, and lets you flourish on your own, while supporting you.
Alex, I am so sorry you went through this and I am so amazed at your determination and ability to come out a stronger woman. My second husband was like this and those not there, not in that moment when they make you feel so special don’t understand the mind games and how it can blind you to the toxicity. You are an incredible inspiration to all who are in this kind of relationship. Thank you for sharing!