Did I really just write my first blog post about my anxiety?

So, I’m Alex and I’m starting a blog because I have about 10,342,342 thoughts running through my head a day, and I am an open book. I never intentionally wanted to be an open book, but it’s just who I’ve become as I have gotten older.  So this is me:
I am a complete hopeless romantic–like I whole-heartedly believe in soulmates and kissing or fighting in the rain. Both? Both would be cool? But do we really have to fight? Can we just make out in the rain because we can and it just makes everything dramatic and romantic?
Anyway, no matter what I have gone through in my life, I never lose faith in love–I crave it…I crave giving it.
I truly believe that God created me to love–to love with every ounce of my being, whether you are my family, friend, or significant other.
I believe in being kind. If I know you, whether I know you really well or you are an acquaintance, I will somehow find a way to make you realize that you have such a wonderful and beautiful purpose on this Earth and that I am SO grateful to have you in my life (and the best part is…you don’t HAVE to reciprocate it! I’ll be okay! I promise! I mean…if you want to reciprocate it, that’d be cool. But like you don’t HAVE to. Can phrases in parentheses even last this long? Should I have done double parentheses? Because none of this is really relevant…? Whatever, it’s my blog. MOVING ON.)
I believe that one day I will change the world, even if it’s just something small–I know I’m destined for something great!

Okay, so here’s the thing: I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder about 5 years ago–and lemme tell you–it’s a bitch. So basically, I feel like a chicken with its head cut off floating through space all day every day. Oh, God. Why did I even write that? Does that even make sense? Wow. People are going to read that and think that I’m a freaking weirdo. Am I a weirdo? Maybe I like being weird. What if a school that is going to hire me reads this and thinks I’m too weird to teach their kids? What if I don’t get hired? What if I never get to actually teach?! What!? That can’t happen?? It’s my passion! I love kids! What if I never get to make a difference in another child’s life again?! All because of this blog?! What a stupid decision. Why does my chest feel tight? Why can’t I turn off my brain? I just KNOW something bad is about to happen.

Ya’ll. That’s anxiety. And THAT is how my brain works about 70% of the time that I am awake. So, I’m starting this blog to start writing my thoughts somewhere. To organize my thoughts. To write them down and get them out of my head.

When I’m in a room with more than 3 conversations going on–my anxiety is triggered.
When I’m surrounded by people giving each other attitude–my anxiety is triggered.
When I’m driving at night and I see the lights of the car behind me moving up and down because of the road and it looks like they’re flashing me–my anxiety is triggered.
When I feel like I’ve disappointed someone–my anxiety is triggered.
When plans change last minute (for example, we decide to leave at 10 instead of 9)–my anxiety is triggered.
When I plan things out and imagine them playing out in my head for so long, and then those same plans turn out NOTHING like I pictured–my anxiety is triggered.
When I leave a place and I feel like my “goodbye” was awkward or I could have stayed to help clean or talk longer, I now feel like you think I’m rude or awkward– and my anxiety is triggered.
When I have to take a left-hand turn on a busy street–my anxiety is triggered.

SO BASICALLY, I get anxiety a lot. Like A LOT a lot. I promise I’m not a freak though, dude. Like I’m actually pretty cool. Okay, so my mom actually just thinks that (sometimes). However, luckily, I’ve gotten to the point where I can manage it pretty well, and get my shit together before I have an anxiety or panic attack.
I have gone the past 5 years trying to find out how my anxiety works because everyone’s is pretty different, and everyone handles theirs differently. And anxiety really does change over time. About 4 years ago, when I would have anxiety, it would feel really dark and morbid, and everything around me would move in fast forward while I sat suffering, struggling, trying to breathe. Thankfully, I’ve moved past this, and I’ve sort of just learned how to adjust and adapt my life to avoid things that give me anxiety. For example, instead of making a left-hand turn on a busy street, I’ll just turn right and drive until I get to the next light where I can make a U-turn. (Which is no way to live, I know, but it works for me. For now.)

Furthermore, this blog is one of the strategies that I’m using to keep my anxiety under control as I undergo several changes in my life. AND I PROMISE THIS WON’T BE A BORING BLOG BECAUSE I’M A TEACHER AND I HAVE HILARIOUS STORIES AND I’VE BEEN THROUGH SOME RELATABLE SHIT, SO JUST BARE WITH ME. Everyone has to get that boring first blog out of the way. Ya know? So until next time, this is the life of a 20 something-year-old, just trying to live life and enjoy it every single day.